Let's scallop my attorney and see if she has any advice.

Why doesn't he just sell milkshakes under the name The Shake Society, then?

Nah, she's gone out of style. It's the timeless music of the Mighty Mighty Bosstones that have kept it relevant. Or at least that was the impression that I got.

She took the surname when she was adopted by Babe Pig in the City. (Pig is his middle name)

"If celebrities didn't want people pawing through their garbage and saying they're gay, then they shouldn't have tried to express themselves creatively."

"Never touch your idols- the gilding will stick to your fingers."

And thanks to Bugs Bunny, "Nimrod" has gone from being a "mighty hunter before the Lord" (Genesis 10:9) to being synonymous with an inept dunce.

Ted Leo is the former, Ted Cruz is the latter. So far this checks out.

Sounds like you've got a good number of my first thoughts covered. Some ones not yet mentioned:
The Gadjits
Buck-o-Nine
The Hippos

The only thing he is guilty of is looking like Shia LaBeouf- that is his crime, it is also his punishment.

Maybe throw in CCR and The James Gang, but that sounds pretty much like my childhood.

And Rappin' Buzz Aldrin will punch you in the face
If you insinuate he never went up into outer space
Go to the Smithsonian, see the rocks he brought back son,
He was moonwalking that shit fifteen years before Jackson

Typo. It should be "hamilton" for "Half a Milton", a unit of penis measurement relative to "Mr. Television" Milton Berle. It should only have one 'i'.

Fortunately he was smart enough to recognize a trick when Jefferson had him elected Queen of the Constitutional Convention, and didn't have to resort to slaying everyone with his telekinetic powers.

I'm beginning to doubt whether they were sincere when covering Minor Threat's "Straight Edge".

And McDonald's is swapping out Ronald for Grimace statues.

Those eggheads in New Jersey will think it's after them, and besides, all the new elements have a half life of like a microsecond. I vote we use the Prince symbol as an alchemical glyph for one of the existing elements, so we'll have more cause to use it. What's the funkiest of the transition metals? Manganese?

R&B singer Sade's a smooth operator, but she only goes as far west as Chicago.

Wait, all this time I thought the Pope just shit in the woods.

Is that what 'Schuylkill' means in Dutch?