Yeah, because that’s how the world works. Give me a slice of pizza, and I’ll pay you for it if I feel like it was delicious enough for my standards.

The only thing I wear on the weekends is my pajamas and a blanket around my shoulders like a decrepit, dethroned queen as I let my mind liquefy and gently drip out of my ears as I do nothing beneficial to society at all for forty eight goddamned glorious hours.

Love him! My 17 year old daughter wore a dress with spaghetti straps yesterday and when a school administrator told her to cover up she asked him if her shoulders were turning him on. She's a sassy thing and I love it.

I don’t know why, but you’re making me picture this:

The sheer amount of stories that start or end with “I was 12” “I was 11” “I was 9” NINE! NINE FOR CHRISTSSAKES! I was flabberghasted sifting through all the stories shared. It makes me sick to my stomach....I can’t even articulate my rage right now.

“Why, Mimble would be so charming if it weren’t for the following array of several dozen disgusting and unforgivable personal offenses she commits with her mere presence. For example, her rough, manly elbows . . . “

“I’m going to go Lux my underthings and cry” just replaced “I’ll go cry in the lobby” as my phrase when things go wrong. Thanks!

Before the new recipe it was a weird breed of amnesia booze. This is what I remember: drank one and a half in the back seat of the car that night woke up eating Indian food the next afternoon. I got time travel drunk.

I starred this HARD.

500% increase in the number of ER visits for dicks stuck in beer bottles.

Hey Bud Light, it’s your shitty beer that’s supposed to be absolutely tasteless, not your advertising!

Bud Light: Why Not? I Really Do Love You

Notice how no one was ever selling “cock wash” for that horrible dick stench..

Here’s the deal, Suburban Women. Your kid is not as engaging and lovely as you think he or she is. Honestly, they drool a lot, puke, poop unpleasant poops, scream, cry, and in between being cute and lovely, aren’t the most exciting person to be around in the universe unless it’s your kid. And daycare workers get…

The people who need child care most are too tired to riot.

It’s a little condescending to call concerned parents “suburban busybodies.” If a teacher at my kids daycare was foolish enough to publicly proclaim her hate for children I’d want her nowhere near them. Sure, name-calling is awful, but she tapped into the working parent’s greatest source of anxiety—that they’ve…

I’m sort of torn here. A part of me is like, chill out ladies, it was just a stupid Facebook post. And another part of me thinks that if my niece’s or nephew’s caregiver went on Facebook talking about how they don’t like kids and/or dealing with a lot of kids, I might suggest that my brothers find a new place to take…

I hate that “honor code” where nobody’s supposed to tell anybody that anybody’s cheating.

I bought my son as copy of Guild Wars for his 5th birthday because he was completely enthralled watching me play. His 2nd grade teacher made a comment at a parent/teacher conference once that he was the only student she'd ever had to use the word 'catacomb' in a story he wrote.

One of the maintenance men at my last apartment complex had a habit of doing stuff like this. If you put a request in for some kind of service, he would just randomly show up, rather than setting up an appointment and giving you 24 hours' notice that they were going to enter your apartment (as required by law in my…