‘Doo-doo-doo. There’s a dead guy, like, 20 feet away. That’s kinda gross. Boooooored, bored, bored, bored, bored, boriiiiiiing! I shouldn’t have let them take my phone. I can’t believe I’m missing my stories for this. Who the hell was this clown anyway? I’m hungry. Man, I want a burger. Do they have burgers in Mexico?…

Goddammit another misleading headline: totally thought this was going to be a Mr. Robot style hijack and am disappointed it’s just workaday folks doing good things for strangers. Borrrring!

Wait, you can fire someone for being an unhinged dumbass on Twitter? Asking for 325,000,000 American friends.

Period!

“Ponder this...what great marriages have is sexual variety! Period! It’s not the equal burden-sharing at home trend, it’s not the fidelity trend. Find someone that is going to let me have unprotected, random sex! Period! #monogamysucks!”

“My fiancée has informed me that sheez letting me go. #thankstwitter!”

“! Period!” is a pretty damn confusing string of text.

Goodell: “Two game suspension”

I certainly don’t think there’s any excuse for choking a pregnant woman. But someone had to step in and stop Mrs. Rivers already.

Hi, Julianne, I’d like to add a few things to the list of worst things to happen in an office bathroom. I work in an office park and share a bathroom with about 10 other companies, you need a key to get in, but frequently find customers/clients of other tenants using the bathroom. Here’s just a little taste of what I…

Couldn’t you have mentioned to the rest of the team that the front end is FUGLY?

A bad player passed to a different bad player who passed to a washed player who barely dunked.

That gif looks like an nba 2k glitch.

One time a customer pooped all over the escalator at my old job and we had to evacuate the premises.

Clearly @ViralMeningitis is one of KD’s burner Twitter handles and this is elaborate shade.

(wistful sigh)

I know people don’t like hearing it but Scott Boras was right. If mid-tier teams don’t think there’s value in winning 86 games or even 76 instead of 60 then we’re going to see a lot of shitty teams and while tanking is bad in every sport, 162 games of it is ugly in a very different way. 

They had to attempt the headbutt again after the first one was called back for offsides.

Steelers Fan Eats A Headbutt 

Packers brought in Mike McCarthy after the game and fired him; he was not expecting it, per source.

“McCarthy ends his tenure as head coach with a record of 125-77-2, nine playoff appearances in thirteen seasons and a Super Bowl win in 2011.”