Hungarians make the Czechs seem adorable.

On the whole goats are cool. But I once met one while taking a late night shortcut from a pub to my house through a cemetery. Damned thing didn't do anything, just stared at me as I walked past. I always walked round the cemetery from then on.

Wanna snuggle, clown?

Have you read Robert Bloch's essay The Clown At Midnight? He basically says that what we find normal or charming in its correct place -he uses the clown in a circus as his example- is horrific when seen on your lawn in the dead of night.

My girlfriend too! Hang on, they're not the same person, are they?

I've never heard that Agapetus was supposed to be his dad. I always thought it was accepted that he was the Princeps' son.

The frat boy pope.

I usually find that chucking a brick at an estate agent's window cheers me up.

It should be "garda" if you're a Gaelic speaker.

Unfortunately we don't. It's one of those times we should take a leaf out of the French's book and just riot whenever we feel hard-done by, rather than just if our chosen football team doesn't live up to our ridiculous expectations.

And didn't say "Gardaí" so as not to confuse the Americans? It's possible.

I doubt very much he said "guards" while talking about being on stage. It's much more likely he said "gods", as in the upper balcony.

I think the moral of the story is never leave an old toaster unattended in your studio.

I really dislike virtually all remakes of classic films. How about something shitty but with potential. My personal favourite for a remake would be The Light At The End Of The World. And if we're going to be pretentious let's get Aki Kaurismaki to direct it. Can't be worse than turning Darjeeling into a landfill indie…

You're my all American now, Dave.