Hi Chase,

“Well then, have I got a girl for you. ...Oh wait, you said pitches.”

We care about as much as we cared about the Rams coming back and the Chargers coming to the area: not at all. This shit just keeps getting foisted on us.

“Sick, bro” pretty sure

Nobody gives a shit.

Don’t worry, you won’t get them. I have it on good authority that America doesn’t win anymore.

Man. We as a species just can’t go anywhere and leave it nice, can we?

It should go without saying: there are only two times you should drink. When you’re alone or when you’re with somebody else.

Solid pro-tip, but don’t forget the go-to explanation for one’s kids:

Just imagine how much more insane this scene could be if y’all had universal health care....

Actually this is the police report version of Cover Your Ass So His Big Shot Lawyers Can’t Try To Make You Look Like An Asshole In Court.

Don’t know why there’s so much controversy about last night. That catfish is clearly onside.

Your second comment is fucking GOLD

My favorite part about this story was Western PA residents calling a guy from Nashville a redneck, presumably with zero sense of self awareness.

The trick is to drink a little bit everyday. Even if you don’t want to or your wife starts to cry.

I blackout about once or twice every two years (is that bad?) but I have never been so fucked up that I thought I was on a different coast. Does this guy have to be the best at everything?

I like it when people position their laziness as subtle genius. I do my best to emulate that strategy.

Rio and Hungry Like The Wolf were staples of my MTV childhood. Couldn’t stand this song.

Dude’s got nothing on Broadway Joe...