With diminishing returns on all the Danadrol, HGH, and testosterone he’s been taking to extend his career, a desperate Bartolo Colon turned to the one PED he hasn’t yet tried, Uranium-238.

Must be a shitty macrobrew. Gotta figure he’d be headed for the NBA if he had any hops.

Future Hot Take: “Beer overpriced, nowhere to be found late in game”

They’re lucky to have escaped Fanadik Island before being eaten by the native fauna.

I feel for Mario here too, I know what it’s like when you forget what direction you have to hold and hit circle too hard.

It’s all fun and games until your organs start to fail one by one from dehydration and malnutrition.

Stuck on a tropical island for three days. Why can’t anything that good happen to ME?

It’s things like this that confirm we also need the US Open back at Chambers Bay every single year. I call it a win every time pro golfers remind us that golf is actually pretty hard.

“Why always me?” —Fan sitting in Row Z

Wait, 4,000 a game? That’s much, much higher than I’d imagined for USL. Are they among the top draws?

“we have always appreciated its coverage of the team and the League.” = please please please keep printing our match scores.

Maybe she should switch to yoga as the running thing doesn’t seem to be lowering her stress level.

A runner with an ego?!

#feelthelacticacidbern

Is this some secret attempted viral Reebok comment? I’m on to you pal.

#NotAllSidewalks

#BlackTopMatters

Houston Assbros

Such a play is known as a Kobe, as it allows you to pass to yourself and involves an asshole.

“Perfectly executed”