Am I the only one whose struggles lay in the dispensing and poking-the-flap stages? Every time I take one of those flimsy goddamn things out of the dispenser it almost instantly tears into pieces more or less rendering it pointless in providing a consistent barrier between my ass and the seat. If I manage to get it…

Sooooo, don’t run up a hill, don’t stop, wear good shoes, just run the distance you want to run, don’t run in heat, and use other people to help pull you along. Also, don’t eat lasagna in mile one, try not to smoke a cigarette during the race, wait til after, and don’t carry an anvil.

Why is Russell Brand on the dais with him?

Remember when Trump was bragging about all the A-listers who wanted to be at his inauguration? Maybe he meant people who’s name literally starts with “A.” A. Aaronson.

Also, please include Chip and Joanna Gaines, shiplap, and giant clocks.