@Hatey McLife: It wasn't personal, only business.

@Random ESPN Source: "Hey Hal, be careful throwing that phone arou-"

@econdave: My 401K doesn't think that joke's fucking funny anymore...

Fan: OOOOH, YANKEE STADIUM. U SO SEXII!

@Colonel Dubby: +1 Troy McClure

@CoolHwhip: No No, I read it. I would just like the fictional lass's number is all.

@CoolHwhip: Send me her number.

@Chris Daniel:Don't let THE DOOR hit you in the ass on the way out!

@Ugueth Urbina's Machete: Damn, I miss you, Mitch Hedberg. +1

@Katni: Good times. A guy who works in the administrative section of our work is in trouble for sending pictures of his dong to three of his female coworkers' phones. And this summer a manager had to resign after being accused of rape by a subordinate while they were out of town. Just gotta shake your head at the…

Nothing makes me laugh harder than looking at the smile on the reporter's face as she's keeling over.

@Kick His Ass Seabass: Fuck You Tom Brady! was the name of my fantasy football team this year. Goddamn first round pick.

@CoolHwhip: +1 vehicular manslaughter charge

@NextStopPottersville: His wife's in a coma...

@mikedrawcar: just the one. One is all you need.

@Pornstars-for-Wilbon: +1

@Razgriz1: Hey, chicken. How's it hangin'? A lot of people wanna eat you, but I just wanna talk to you, okay? We should do a film together, whaddya think? Hey, chicken, I'm not joking around, okay? This is the real thing, I mean this could be huge! All right, well, think about it. Say hi to your mother for me,…

@Shakεy: In other news, the sky is blue and water is wet.