In 1998, I was working at Paramount as a p.a. My boss was a smoker. The clean air act was in effect, so she was outside our studio, having a smoke. An “industry” type walking by said, “You know, secondhand smoke kills.” My boss arched one eyebrow, and without missing a beat replied, “Obviously not effectively.”

This little bit of Hollywood history, be it true or too good to be true...

I was with some friends in a bar and this douche started hitting on my friend and being a real dick about it. She was trying to be polite about it, but I didn’t feel any such obligation. So I whispered something in her ear about him and she laughed. He saw it and replied, “If you’re mad that I’m talking to your friend…

1. Salty Mainah: It’s kinda more shady that sick-burn, but I was born in Maine; my parents are “from away” (both from Michigan, actually, but they met in ME). I grew up in a very small town with lots of local characters, straight of central casting. When my mom was really pregnant with me, one morning she was in the…

My 16-year-old sister looks a little bit older so she occasionally gets hit on by boys in their early 20s. At one point, this one sorry fellow tried to convince her that “age is just a number,” to which she quickly retorted, “a prison cell is just a room.”

some sick burns i have delivered:

I just remembered a great one! Last month, my friend - who is the chillest, least confrontational, most mild-mannered person in the whole world - was visiting Israel and he ran into some German lady who was like, “Why can’t there just be peace?” My friend was all, “Yeah, totally” (my friend and I are both Jewish but…

Fairly recently me, my siblings and my parents were sitting around and in a sign of how we can now all talk like adults we were sort of telling “The most fucked up I’ve ever been” stories and my sister, who had a bit of a wild adolescence, tells a pretty horrific story. My mother, who was the least enthusiastic about…

Waiting at the airport for a flight. There’s a line of about 10 people at the counter that were delayed from an earlier flight. Some dude pushes past the line and screams at the desk agent that, “(He) has to be on this flight! And it has to be first class!” Agent tells him that she can help him but he need to wait in…

One time I was at the bar wearing these really cute booties. They were a bit trashy and I got them at the thrift store but I was rocking it.

Many years ago, as I stood in line at the (University) gym to be issued gym clothes, a student in front of me told the attendant he needed a “medium jock strap with a large cup.” The attendant immediately came back with “Why? Are you trying to leave room for your hand?”

In college, walking down the street smoking a cigarette. Jail guys cleaning the road catcall me and my friend, we ignore. They are persistent. One says “Hey beautiful, don’t you know smoking is bad for you??”

My then-roommate and I were at a bar and a guy came up to her and said in the most cheesy, oily voice you can imagine, “Hey, just to save some time: how would you like your eggs in the morning?”

Ooh, this one will be fun! The first story coming to my mind is one I have told on here before, but I’m sure it will be new to most of you:

A bunch of people on my Facebook feed are blowing it up with “YAY HILLARY!!!!” and a small amount (some conservative people in my family, mostly) are all “NO. NO HILLARY.”

Hillary Clinton 2016:

Perimenopause? About twenty years ago!

Interesting? It’ll be a horrific shitshow. The muckraking will be endless and gross. I just love the idea, too, of hearing ‘liberal’ guys reiterate their “get into the kitchen and make me a sandwich” grossness. Hell, the muckraking has already started here at GM with the nonsensical email “scandal” that isn’t really a…