Not all Jezebel commenters.

Not all burner accounts.

Eh, I've lived in Chicago for 20 years and never liked deep dish pizza.

Inferiority complexes are a bitch.

To be fair, they have more time on their hands since they don't spend any of it eating incredibly delicious pizza.

I'd guess that the median Deadspin commenter is a 34-year-old white male with middle-to-high income but also above-average alcohol consumption. So we're taking about a remaining live expectancy of 47 years, give or take. My best guess is that you'll die in 2060, perhaps just a few days before Sasha Obama wins her…

When will I die?