Declares he will no longer pitch off the mound, because the earth is flat so it doesn’t matter anyway.

Successfully avoids being mind-controlled by liberal government conspiracy, but all of his teeth fall out simultaneously due to his total avoidance of fluoridated water and toothpaste.

Placed on the DL for not even being mad, actually laughing too hard.

This is all I could think about when I read the Alex Jones comment

Dark Horse Candidate

Warriors Investigators Ask To Whom Bell Tolls

When they find out that someone did a reboot of the kids from Talladega Nights but with chicks, Reddit is gonna be pissed.

Foster care? Well of course they are out of control.

I’m going to hug my kids because they’re not them.

You know when I was a kid, there was this ballplayer, Cool Papa Bell, and he was fast, very fast — they used to say he could flip the light switch and be in bed before the lights were off — it’s true, they said this, we all know it, and we all know his name, Cool Papa Baseball, but guess what, did you know he didn’t…

They’re 9..... Just pick’em up off the car and toss’em into a pond, or a bush. It’s Australia, that would totally fly. The children are the descendants of convicts, let the wildlife of Australia have them. Drop’em in a ponder or river, Salt Water Crocs and bull sharks baby. The bush? Well, get ready for a Brown or…

Living in the Bay Area I have to say that Ratto’s curmudgeon-liness is even more impactful when listening to his voice on the radio. When he’s speaking you can almost picture him peeking through his shades making sure no one parks too close to his driveway. And if you see him talking on TV then his curmudgeon is at a…

I don’t care whether I agree or disagree with you, Ray. I just want more of your product. You’ve got all the Deadspin snark I’ve come to love with all the austere of [pick your favorite longform baseball writerperson].

I always forget—is Ciara a boner pill or a lemon-lime soda? 

No kidding. The UC Irvine Family Circuses are fucking trash.

I once had a roommate who cooked his hot dogs by boiling *and* frying them. He would put them in a pot of water, then let ALL the water boil off, so the hot dogs would then fry in the now-dry pot.

I also called him “Fag,” but that’s only because he’s long and thin like a British cigarette, don’tcha know.

This was just the first link (heh) I found

There is a lot to unpack here.