When I was a kid, I used to wonder, “What does ESPN stand for?”

I thought the book was about flowers?

Romulans might not be too happy we broke the Treaty of Algeron.

I feel as though we all did.

It’s amazing the Seahawks still seem emotionally scarred after Super Bowl 49. It’s been a few years now.

There’s only one piece of advice that people should offer at commencement addresses: Everybody is an idiot.

As a fake internet attorney, let me preemptively address the knotty legal arguments from those who would ask “What about his right to free speech?”: Shut the fuck up you fucking idiot

God, I love that one. Because you don’t truly understand that sexual assault is bad until you have a daughter. I know I was all, “Rape for everyone!” Then I had a little girl and now I’m all, “Maybe rape isn’t great!”

“Illegal stitch in time on the receiving team. Nine yard penalty. Replay the down.”

That does taint the goal somewhat.

What an asshole.

So every time it goes in on a bounce the other team has to drink?

True story. I once dumped a girl because her favorite cracker was a Triscuit. I couldn’t look her in the eye after learning this. Well that and she fucked my roommate. I still get bitter and angry about it all these years later. Triscuits? How could she have been such a bad person?

First, Triscuits are garbage. It’s like someone went, “How can we take these unsold wicker baskets and make money off them?” and they turned them into trash crackers. The worst part is that Triscuits constantly try to market them like a party cracker. “Just take a Triscuit, cover it with melted cheese, bacon, avocado,…

Kids these days are so soft. Back in my day, you weren’t done in Oregon until you died of dysentery.

“When you’re accustomed to privilege, equality feels like oppression.”

we’ve all already bought “The Hike,” Magary, give it a rest.

They couldn’t reach agreeement on Hume’s first principles of the contents of the mind.

“In lieu of a commemorative statue, the San Antonio Spurs are happy to announce that Tim will simply stand outside the arena at all times, stoically contemplating the horizon.”

He got concussed while scrambling for a 3-9 team, that was down 24-3, on a play that didn’t even count.