Right? So Tig Notaro, Megan Mullally, and Nick Offerman probably hang out together. Leaving a fourth spot open for me at their next dinner party.

First grade. Catholic school. Sitting in morning mass, we stood up and I puked in the seat of the pew in front of me. That nun jerked me out of church so fast she almost separated my shoulder. The trip across the playground back to the classroom was her berating me for coming to school if I felt badly and me heaving…

Worst place I ever got sick was camping in the Sierra Mountains with my family. After a week of camping, on our last night, I was struck with a really nasty stomach bug. We had spent the afternoon drinking margaritas, so when the first wave of nausea hit, I thought it was the tequila. But no. How I wish it had been…

I am an archaeologist who does remote fieldwork in the Canadian North. Halfway through a month-long stay in the bush, I contracted food poisoning from some probably spoiled Co-op breakfast sausages. In itself, not so bad.

However, we were camping away from the site we worked at, and our daily commute was a 45-minute…

Alright, I’ve never posted anything on Jez but I can’t resist this one-

I had to do a midterm speech for my public speaking class in college. Prof was insane and literally allowed zero make ups for midterm and final speeches. I was crazy sick with some God awful stomach virus. I went anyway, not wanting to fail. I was the color gray, clammy and so sick feeling. I ended up barfing on my…

It tastes like green. Which is lucky, because he's probably allergic to red.

One of the things is that a lot of really intelligent people fall into this trap of assuming that since they're almost always the smartest in the room wherever they go, that they understand things better than other people, which ignores the benefits of experience, as well as the fact that there are people in those…

I don't enjoy stories about messing with assholes' food as much mainly because I want the assholes to be aware that they've been burned and in such a way that they can't prove that the person who burned them did it. If they walk out of the story and don't know that what they did had consequences, then I'm not…

for any of you beautiful souls who might need it.

More than just feel strongly about— something you're right about, and in a really serious, meaningful way. It isn't something undefinable, unprovable, or subjective. It's very definable, very provable, and not subjective at all.

im so upset right now

OHhhh, I think I might have a crack at this one!

my step dad swears up and down that he stood next to Clint Eastwood at the urinal in Clinton restaurant in Carmel, CA. I think he's full of shit though.

I've seen quite a few celebrities at Disneyland - Nathan Fillion, Chris Hardwick, and Adam Sandler - but just saw, not spoke to or anything.

My father is a pediatric neurologist who literally specializes in autism. And he'd be the first to tell you that THERE IS NO LINK BETWEEN VACCINES AND AUTISM.

Dear Albert Burneko, I don't know who you are, but you have now written two of my favorite pieces in the history of ever (this and "The American Justice System is Not Broken"). I just want to thank you for existing.

F. Scott Fitzgerald wrote, "The cleverly expressed opposite of any generally accepted idea is worth a fortune to somebody." This truth is the basis for much of modern culture and commerce.

I've reached a point in my life where I just roll my eyes and stay quiet if I ever overhear some asshole's racist, homophobic, bigoted, etc. rant. It's not worth wasting breath or energy to argue. People have stupid opinions all the time and blasting every last person who has one is an exercise in futility.