Petition the MLB to change RBI to “right ball injury”, and order will be restored.

Cut Joyce a break. This is, like, his first mistake out there.

At what point will this pass far enough behind us that I can say I think his hair is stupid?

Ironically, you’re the 500th person to make that “joke”

attempted to hide the bags under some leaves before being arrested

So, he means people should stick with their Bourne Identity?

Now, THIS is a type of message you save the comic sans font for!

Boy, your spit is terribly, terribly incorrect. Forbes:

One is definitely better than the other.

What’s with the oh’s? Doing a Speed Racer impression?

Amateur move to wait until the 9th after all the LA fans already leave.

Must have been texting.

I got as far as “I feel a special connection to Didi” before my eyes rolled out of my goddamned skull and I couldn’t read anymore.

This news is especially sad considering early reports that it was all fun and games.

He’s already demanded a trade to the Pirates.

Based on his upbeat response to this terrible accident it would be a great story if Imhof can work hard and continue his career, but I’m afraid he’s going to lose focus.

Still has a better eye than Ryan Howard.

Not really. I’m not saying what you said is indicative of Cardinals fans, I’m saying that by declaring 90% of Deadspin commenters idiots and declaring yourself the arbiter of what is or isn’t clever you’re your own unique brand of dingus.

“I couldn’t be more loosened up”

Best Commenter on Deadspin.