Why? Because our lives are mundane drudgery and all of us want something, no matter how brief and stupid, that is magical and special to happen to us. No one gets an owl at age 11, no one follows a white rabbit down a hole. We sustain ourselves with fictions because reality is mostly an awful, cold place where you…

I take it more as her trying to convince herself.

Middle school boys? I think you meant to say “Armenian men ages 18-30.”

It sounds better than the supposedly clean-scented deodorant my husband brought home that smelled like cat litter whenever I came close to his pits. I think it was the baking soda but YEEEEESH, that scent was a formidable cockblocker for him before he finally threw it out.

On a remotely related tangent, when Axe was in its early days, I was approached by them to be a guest at some big promotional event in our city. I was an entertainment writer at the time and they wanted me to ride a mechanical bull in some skimpy outfit (obviously I’m a woman). I laughed so hard I think the entire…

Oh dear lord, I’m always telling my 14 year old that half spray of anything goes a long way. He sprays so damn much that you can chew on it. He told me not too long ago, “If you think this is bad, you should be in the locker room after gym.” Uh hell-to-the-fucking-no.

could be worse, my son grew up in LA... with frequent trips to Australia.

I went out with my son recently and he selected his first deodorant. He chose this one-

I would say “it can’t get worse,” but of course, it bloody-well could.

god I hope things get better for you. Astrology aside this has been a wicked two months for everyone I know, myself included. So many good and terrible things happening. I totally get why bears hibernate this time of year.

son is wise!

My son last week: “Mom, please tell everyone NOT to get me cologne for Christmas or my birthday this year. Your friends and family have awful taste and no sense of smell.”

My baby has roseola, my AC unit managed to start an electrical fire in the corner of my apartment before blowing out and breaking, I have a mouse infestation that is somehow worsening, and one of my refrigerator’s 3 shelves split in half, meaning I have to throw out like a third of its contents.

Fighting jury duty is like fighting the Borg. Resistance is futile.

I am realizing I’m probably someone else’s abjectly terrible restaurant employee story.

For me, that gif would represent the thirsty waitress story. I’d be the Hulk, she’d be the puny god. And I would have stood up and left after she served meatballs with her bare hands.

“Waaaaaarrrrriiiiiooorrrrrrssssssss, come out to pl—Hey, are those hot wings?!?!”

My apologies in advance for the long backstory, but it is necessary to fully understand the horrible-ness of the situation. I live in a tiny apartment in New York with my wife and son, which, ever since our son has gotten the ability to walk and talk and whatnot already made sex a fairly covert affair (the window of…

Scene- My bedroom, 2 AM, after a bottle and a half of wine.
Players (In a theatre sense, not like, a gross way to say ‘lovers’ or whatever)- My husband and also my me.

We were young, early 20’s, shitty on wine, having laugh sex, where we sort of clumsily bounced around the bedroom, laughing and not totally putting all…

A Story of Few Words: A Sexy Haiku