You can love your kids and still hold them responsible for their actions.

Can we at least entertain the POSSIBILITY that they are BOTH completely irredeemable assholes? It doesn’t matter which candidate the media has been fluffing for the past year, they both represent a loss of cognitive function on the part of the electorate who put them in these positions.

AWARDS CATEGORIES:

He FINISHED THE GAME?!?!!

So...

Kind of a dick move, if you ask me.

I will stipulate that it rolled out. But there was not much air in the tires it rolled on.

I don’t pretend to know what’s going to happen, but if Rubio is elected President, he absolutely MUST have a bottle of water visible on the podium EVERY time he speaks for the rest of his political life!

Did you seriously just say “successful ACA rollout”?

Didn’t a cocktail waitress once run some sort of verification on Tiger Woods?

What was your mom’s e-mail address again?

Um, no. It’s because THE FUCKING ALIENS ARE COMING! We all have to begin hoarding Spaghetti-O’s and filling our DVR’s with top quality porn or we will NEVER SURVIVE!!!

It’s “Commander IN Chief”.

It takes no time!

I pride myself on one of those two things. The other is just luck...

Wait, wasn’t Mon Mothma, LEADER of the Rebel Alliance, a woman?

Uh, maybe I’m incapable of properly interpreting things on Jezebel because I have a Y-chromosome, but it sounded to me like JJ was discussing the fact that he was TRYING to make the franchise more inclusive of women. Powerful, motivated, capable women, not just digitally-inserted Rhodian slave dancers or midichlorian…

Plus, the actual saddest song in the world IS PLAYED ON THE HARMONICA, NOT ON THE VIOLIN!

If you did take violin lessons, you might be more marketable as an actor. Just sayin’...

I’m not saying I could actually WIN; I do not have a strong defense against Mom-fu, I’m just saying that a Reese’s Pieces DQ Blizzard is worth fighting for, even if you know you will lose. That way the Blizzard at least knows how much you love it and may one day requite your love!