Will this nightmare never end…

It's Friday 13th in the UK tomorrow, and the only horror movie at the cinema is bloody Fifty Shades of Grey. Hollywood, your time is up…

Really enjoyed this movie. Loved the fact that the vampires play very much into the "old school" Stoker/Hammer/Universal mythology and put a fun spin on it. Some great gags and a genuinely endearing Kiwi sweetness to the characters.

Where's the sitcom version of Dolemite when you need him?

Can they write some more jokes this time?

Can I get an alibi? This makes me want to smash something…

Bet between Kilmer and Brando over who can be the most destructive. They draw. Movie loses.

"Cartoon" music is the canned laugh track of bad cinema. Because an audience won't know what to feel without a tinkling piano to tell them.

I always thought Morrissey should have written a cookery book in his retirement.

But "How Soon Is Now?" is their best song. The one that even non-Smiths fans like.

That fake meltdown worked for Joaquin Phoenix y'know.

Now, no matter how many times I shower I will never be clean again.

I think I may be missing out on my true calling to play "creepy weirdo" guys. There does seem to be a lot of parts out there these days.

Perhaps with a different sense of humour.

Great article. Funny and informative. Almost makes me want to watch the movie as an exercise in bad movie appreciation. Then I come to my senses.

Did they mistype 2016 when filling out the form? Or is MI:5 going to be a documentary about getting a movie finished on time?

Part of me still wants Phoenix's meltdown to have been real, and we've just never been shown the heartwarming sequel documenting his rehabilitation via the sex cult teachings of Winona Ryder and Gwyneth Paltrow.

Or the freaks use their specialist sewing skills to string Dandy's head and torso together with various dead freak body parts into one vast dancing puppet mobile. When they police burst in they blow him away in horror. The last thing Dandy hears is himself being described as "the most disgusting thing in the world."

Dandy got to play with him. And just thinking about that is more horrific than anything in the final episode.

Third time unlucky? I have a great deal of B-movie affection for both 50s and 80s versions.