I read on The Splendid Table that pine nuts have to be foraged, not farmed because pine trees are not an efficient tree to raise for the return on the fruit. Now you know!

I made pesto tonight and it was the TITSSSSSS (I <3 pesto). Served it with gnocchi that I had made and frozen in bulk and some chicken and apple sausage from Sam's Club.

Oh my god. My friend fucked Norm McDonald for a while, and told me he only had one ball.

Me: Are you kidding me?
Her: It's true! I saw it with my own mouth.

I saw him die one on stage at a local college. He was 2 hours late to thegig and just DIED out there. It was riveting.

Well it certainly makes you reevaluate your life choices. It's weirdly comforting that I'm not the only one this happened to.

A guy who gave me a playlist (on a flash drive) called "DJ WetWet's Beats for the Sheets."

Never, ever use Icy Hot, Tiger Balm, or anything like it naked. ALWAYS put on underwear.

A British blonde woman in her 20s who was crew on a cruise ship that was in my shipyard for a week. Embodied every horrible stereotype about alcoholic British women in their 20s. Rude to every waiter and bartender that night (I think I tipped everyone like 40 percent out of embarrassment), the ultimate II'MMMMM…

-A cop. A COP.

#becausesheldon should be the hashtag trend for embarrassing encounters.

Both of these make me think of the body builder who I would massage with icy hot after he trained. I love to pamper a dude like that and get them worker up but I neglected to consider it was the middle of summer and we ended up fucking, sweaty as hell, and you know where all that icy hot tinged sweat went. I'll never…

I totally forgot about this until now, but I took a trip with four friends last spring to some nearby island. The island isn't very populated and it was off season, so we had a hard time finding an open place to eat. We ended up at a strange, empty bar/fried chicken and pizza restaurant. We order some soju and beer…

there are WAY better ones on here... but:

Oh, I have another one. Actually, I have a few, but I'll just share thus one.

The moment I realized a girl I was dating at the time looked almost identical in the face to Weird Al Yankovic.

A guy who was not only racist and dumb as a rock, but all of his iTunes playlists were hashtags and he couldn't stop talking about how much he loved Carrie Underwood. He didn't even touch me, was surprised when I hadn't orgasmed, and never messaged me again.

Literally one of his playlists was "#sofresh.soclean.sokyle".…

So I was banging this guy for like a year who was pretty shocking. On our second 'date' he invited me round for dinner - a concoction of meat fried with bananas which we ate in his bed out of a shared salad bowl because obviously. He used to get blind drunk, lost, and just come to mine at 3am ish every month or so.…

I was rolling deep on E and barfed on some TKE's shoes at a kegger. He took me back to his apartment (thank the baby Jesus, he didn't live in the house) and put on Ani DiFranco (whaaaaaa?) and we had awkward sex. He looked kinda like Seth Green in the Can't Hardly Wait days. He had on a visor. It was 2000.

-The Man in the Open relationship who thought that Fidel Castro was a benign dictator because he leaned slightly to the left in terms of politics and then asked me "where [I] got my information" when I informed him Castro had dragged prisoners in forced labor camps across fields of sugar cane, flogging them alive..

I didn't sleep with a dude named Sheldon.