You have no right to make judgments about how much I’ve jerked off!

Shouldn’t you be out campaigning for Jill Stein, Mr. Leftier-than-thou?

Now seems like a good time to remind everyone that if you aren’t a boxer, shadowboxing makes you look like a tool.

I’ve been that high before.

Darth Wader

I used to have to travel to Sao Paulo frequently for my work, when I was with a large Fortune 500 company that had offices down there.

+1 dad joke

Apparently Staples forgot to hit the “Easy” button.

For fun (I’m weird): given 55.5 ft from release point to plate, the time you have to read the pitch and get the bat to the ball:

Jones also reportedly ran from the scene of the testing but came back minutes later to try and retrieve his sample.

Damn. These Crying Jordan photoshops are getting really good.

That’s low-hanging fruit

“about damn time” -Steven Adams' testicles

That movie fucked me up.

Or this one.

Messi Hurt; Assaulted by Math

Coincidentally, A-Rod became a jerk-off in a cup.

Former Jaguars player Dan Skuta works out with Cowboys while suspended.

-1 bag of skittles (oh god Im a monster)

I believe the letters “F-A-T-A-L-I-T-Y” will appear over you and the victim in some sort of dripping blood font.