Enough with this tongue-wagging about a young man's sexual proclivities. This kind of gossip-mongering just whets the public's appetite for more of the same, which they enthusiastically lap up, again and again. What are we coming to? I wish we as a society could lick this habit once and for all, but no — we continue…

Have they considered arming the kiwi birds?

Think about the kid's privacy. Sure, he or she is very young, but how will they feel in 10 or 15 years knowing that a detailed account of their first toilet-assisted shit was digitized, publicized, and stored for the ages? Tell someone about it face to face, and it's nothing but a memory. Take an old-fashioned printed…

Next up: The breastfeeding simulation, sponsored by Dyson.

SuperBaugh 2013: Harbaugh vs. Harbaugh. Whoever Wins ... a Huge Asshole Loses.

Money well spent. Would you rather they go unprotected? They'd be a prime kidnapping target. Holding the president's children hostage could enable someone to coerce the president into doing something very bad. Without highly trained protection, a president's kids are a liability. That goes for any president, any…

Yep. A cock wearing the worst condom ever.

That's an unkind generalization.

To answer the headline: Doing nothing that might cause her to be a child movie star.

To answer the headline: Doing nothing that might cause her to be a child movie star.

To answer the headline: Doing nothing that might cause her to be a child movie star.

I try to be a taker as well as a giver. I call it the Lucky Pierre approach to life.

You and your informalities. I bet you use fewer than four forks at any given meal.

Addiction is a disease, but it cannot be used as an excuse to treat others like shit. To insist that addicts are beyond reproach due to their condition amounts to enablement.

This is sort of genius. Appeal your case on the grounds that your attorney was incompetent — and have that very attorney handle the appeal. If he fucks up, he can just throw his hands in the air and say, "See? Told you so!"

Cows are lady cattle. Not saying she can't have a dick — we're all free to undergo whatever procedures we want to help our outsides match who we are inside. That's fine. And if a cow erstwhile known as Linda changes her name to Larry, that's the name I will use from now on. And I will start referring to Larry as a…

I do hope that "Captain Hook" never made an appearance on your nickname list.

Yeah, you're getting ridiculously boned, and your boss is likely laughing at you behind your back. Stop working immediately, contact a lawyer, write to the department of labor. And never, ever allow this to happen to yourself again.

I read an interview with his wife once. She said he's outlandishly good in bed, but he never, ever comes. His way of finishing is to sigh loudly, put on his pants, and go out back to chop wood for an hour and a half.

The firehose incident isn't abuse. It's supposed to simulate the conditions of playing in a stadium equiped with 200-psi water sprinklers that get turned on whenever the home team is on D.