If I was famous and had twitter, this is how I’d respond even sans drugs.

Then who is Vince Adultman in this scenario? Bobby Flay?

Oh, well then, that changes everything! I didn’t realize he was a Very Important Baby Who Is Going To Be In A Newspaper. I TAKE BACK EVERYTHING I SAID.

Parent fail. Be responsible and don’t post your child’s photo on public forums.

It’s baffling that you think anyone would care. This isn’t Facebook.

Wizinter is coming.

Apparently Keisha Castle-Hughes was keeping up with the books so knew there would be roles coming up for “ethnically ambiguous” women and asked her agent to look into it. #howhollywoodworks

Haha, no judging—I do the same thing! I will use them until they are completely gone/too crumbly and make a mess. Sometimes I'll even scrape off the surface to reassure myself that the product is "good as new!"

It was very dramatic. Head-to-toe black bodysuits. Danced to "The Show Must Go On" by Queen.

Welcome to the world of "lyrical." It's like the Thomas Kincade painting version of dance.

Meanwhile, Vaseline is in the corner, silently judging.

Dang Karyn this is a pretty shitty Dirtbag. Yay you!

"Iraq has weapons of mass destruction."

A gf of mine in college had an insufferable crush on one of our artsy clique, a guy from England, with the accent to match, who was also a popular local DJ. He successfully avoided her for a while, but one day she finally cornered him and asked him if he'd like to go out for a coffee. His excuse to get out of it -

My brother and his (then) wife were already in town for our wedding. They were staying in the same hotel as my parents and my sister and all the other wedding guests. Come the wedding, though, they were a no-show and had checked out of the hotel. Asked for an explanation, he said "I forgot where the wedding was taking…

Are you from 1877?

I received this text from my boyfriend at the time:

Where is "avoiding human interaction" or would that just be too obviously a runaway winner

Louis Vuitton Moët Hennessy owns Hennessy? You don't say!

In gif form: