Extinguished jack-o-lantern Donald Trump.

Britney Spears’ sweaty Cheeto fingers Donald Trump.

Sad enchilada Donald Trump.

Pictured: the Olsen twins laughing

ME! A 33-year-old who loved the shit out of TGIF. Bring me my Family Matters!

It’s like Christopher Walken’s heavier, not-as-lucky brother who watches a lot of TV.

Let’s take a moment to look at the stunning beauty that is Jeffrey Wells...

I’m the liar.

Look, I’m not trying to be all up in other people’s business. But they totally fucked after this.

Women.

Ok, am I just an enormous party pooper or what? I think I would find it genuinely hard to look into my future child’s face and lie about there being a Santa. (the elf, I could not even. too much)

Of course he wasn’t straddling her. She was straddling him.

But the word “athlete” is gender neutral.

I wish for consistency - like if it’s a guy that’s chosen as athlete of the year, he should also be semi-clothed and lathered in baby oil.

Planned Parenthood was there for me when I needed them. I thank heaven for legal abortion. #notsorry #notonetime #PPsavedmylife

I know this raises huuuuge ethical considerations, and would be an interesting debate if it hadn’t happened horrifically in the real world, but WHY would they resuscitate the foetus?

David Levinson: Mr. President (endearing facial tic)! I’ve figured (pause, flinch, purse lips) out a waaaaay wecanbeatthe aliens (scowl, pause, roll eyes) and save (big pause, gesticulate, chuckle) Earth.

You had me at Goldblum.