First they came for the sheriffs.

At least one of you got off the drugs

I’m not anti-Semitic either, but I’m starting to get pretty pissed that my wife won’t tell me where she’s hiding her gold.

So weird—I heard she’ll be 45 in January.

I love how the last paragraph of the paragraph at that link gets really defensive and calls the critics of the fraternity system Commies.

With a name like that, it’s got to be good.

also, “We wanted a grand foyer—all white, simple, and clean”

Instructions unclear, penis stuck in vacuum. Please advise.

I used to occasionally spill small amounts of liquid while sipping on a delicious drink. To stem the tide of rude “Hole in your lip?” comments, I now fly a small plane over the city where I plan to drink, seed the air with silver iodide, wait for rain clouds to form, then buy a drink and sit outside. Everything is…

The application for everything bagels alone makes this a valued addition to any work space.

It’s not an indicator of quality; he just wants you to stay the hell off his lawn!

Your lunch: disrupted!

this guy gets it

This is a pretty crummy take, amirite?

interesting. lifehacker splice?

Rollie Fingers. Also a rare name that is also a sentence.

I don’t want to take anything away from Hamilton’s important work on the subject of crumb removal in the workplace, but desktop vacuums are a thing that exist in this world.

My simple trick is licking the table.

If Catfish Hunter went by “Jim Hunter” there is no way he makes the hall of fame.