Aleppo was the worst Marx Brother. Less funny than Gummo, even.

You work with Mets fans and Braves fans. Be honest with yourself: No day at work is going to be fun.

Winds of Winter was probably the best Dio album.

Oil’s fair in love and war.

The clearly superior plan is to take all the oil, then destroy the communications devices used to talk about taking the oil with a hammer. Problem solved.

Chances are good you can find the coke by talking to 50 strangers in the park.

“He ain’t even got as much security as Fountains of Wayne.”

Yes, he’ll apparently be contributing the same article weekly.

KATIE WE ARE HERE FOR YOU! MEET ME BEHIND WHOLE FOODS AT MIDNIGHT.

Unfortunately for Katie Holmes, there was apparently no clause preventing her from embarassing herself with an atrociously artificial new face.

But sprots!

The shorthand way locals refer to the Times-Picayune is not to drop Times but to use Times-Pic. It’s also shorter.

I don’t know — it seems like an odd time, to me, for the center to be hawking couches.

It’s true. Medieval Knievel, author of the fourth-most-starred comment in Gawker history, was never known for wit.

You don’t die from opiate withdrawal. You can die from alcohol detox, but while opiate withdrawal is highly unpleasant, it won’t kill you.

If this is how you feel, you really should have stayed home in the first place.

How about prosecuting Scranton for creating the conditions that make people want to do heroin?

[scrambles off to register @BigWetAss parody twitter account]

Exactly. “No woman can be hit like this and stay with that person” sounded surprisingly level-headed, if not exactly revelatory, but followed by this: “. . . if that person isn’t prepared to say sorry”? Oof.