I remember asking my father as a child (I think around 4th grade) why he never videotaped my school concerts or performances like the other parents (back in the day of giant camcorders, which we didn’t own). And he replied, “All week you’ve been complaining about this stupid concert, and now you want me to videotape…

“A milk truck always has that nook in the bottom where you can squeeze in. ....”

Rivera was going to send an email to Adam Schefter announcing the punishment, but he couldn’t find his laptop.

My wife makes outstanding chili. Like I’ll push my kids over to get the last bowl good (OK, I’ll admit, there’s a lot of food that I’d push my kids over to get at). Last year I came home from work and saw a half eaten bowl of cold chili on the kitchen table and thought “Jackpot!”. The top tasted weird and acidy but…

Such a ridiculous double standard when it comes to catching your spouse masturbating. The few times I’ve caught my wife or found out about it later I’m like “Hey now, that’s hot...want some company?” But whenever she catches me it’s all “Gross! What’s wrong with you? At least wait until the funeral is over!”

I’d say the reaction to a joke that was kinda clever, kinda meh, very harmless is perhaps a reason why Democrats lost the election.

Because heels make your legs look fantastic. Being in heels really makes your calves stand out and also forces you to adopt a good posture in order to maintain balance.

I’ve talked to more than a few of these ladies through the years. They’re not just smiles and pretty faces; they can answer almost any question you throw at them.

Committing long term to a Cousin sounds more West Virginia and less D.C.

Don’t forget that as governor of Indiana—THIS FUCKING YEAR—he signed a bill (thankfully thrown out by a human being of a judge) that would require women to hold funerals for fetuses not carried to term. HE’S A MONSTER!

lol

This is what I immediately pictured.

Kate’s improper use of “your” has forever killed my boner for her.

It’s not.

As a white guy, I legitimately didn’t know posse was considered a loaded term. Is this word something that is offensive to minorities? I’m genuinely curious because I had no idea.

Look at John D. Rockefeller over here bragging about his bottles.

It is my hope that I will have a similar attitude towards my marriages.

This is good advice. But it is hard to follow. Especially since I love drinks 3 and 4 most of all.

"A little thing that can turn into anything at anytime."