They were so, so close to not fucking this up, and then I got to the second to last paragraph.

What about the evil lamp?

I read every one of these - and there were definitely some gems - but I just flat-out can’t get over putting jelly on pizza, let alone asking for it like it’s not completely insane.

The problem is guns. Not mental illness, not misogyny, not male entitlement. Those are other problems, with other solutions. The problem causing mass shootings is guns.

I believe this gesture to describe fish that walk around on the ocean bottom should pretty much cover it.

“That would be a puddle of cheese, and we don’t do that” is one of the single most perfect server quotes we’ve ever had here.

I’m confused by the notion that Waffle House gets any business that isn’t between the hours of 11 PM and 6 AM.

I once saw a feminist accosting a poor man, obviously out to get his rights. I lept in at once, heroically, spouting my battle-cry of, “m’lady!”. However, the dastardly dame pulled my trillby over my eyes. In one movement, she gave me a vasectomy on the spot and disappeared in to the night. Do not speak lightly of…

so when the fifteen minutes was almost up and the woman started moaning like a porno starlet, the whole dining room could hear it even through doors and wall. There was a pretty unmistakable, “Oh God, I’m cumming” in there somewhere.

We are not anti-Johnny Depp.