My uncle had some tomato plants on his patio that a squirrel would constantly steal. Well, when my uncle finally got fed up with the varmint, he put a habanero plant right next to his tomato plants. Sure enough, an hour later, he heard a bunch of flopping happening on his patio. The squirrel was all over the place and…

“Hopefully not in this shithole. Hopefully I’ve won the lottery and I’m doing a bit better for myself!”

How many calories do you think I’ll save from blotting an entire pizza?