If they're just going to give someone $69 million for being bad at hosting a talk show they could give it to me. I mean I haven't tried it or anything but I'll take the money and I know I would be awful on television.

Isn’t Captain kind of a demotion from Chancellor?

Kif, we have a conundrum!

Shut-up-and-go-away money should only be paid if the recipient actually shuts up and goes away. For a long time.

That’s why I’m liking Terry Crews more and more all the time.

So Rock beats Paper? Hat can't be right.

Of course he wouldn’t say something that would be that obviously devisive.

“Meanwhile, The Daily Star’s story continues to be up on the paper’s site; the organization has been sued for (and settled over) libel charges a number of times over the years, but it’s still baffling that they thought they could get away with allegedly straight-up inventing an interview with one of Earth’s most…

If a man is able to be manipulated solely by a woman’s looks, then he’s not viewing her as a human being, now is he?

I completely changed my eating habits a year ago. Best, hardest thing I ever did. I've lost about 60 pounds or so.

Ah, but Kaleb, by lumping all 4 billion women together under the heading “evil”, you show that you are actually NOT capable of seeing individuals.

You’re bent, and i suspect you think a woman (or “women”) broke you, but as with most people, you ruined yourself by indulging in a self-pitying interpretation of events,…

Here’s my big trick: Each month, have one very specific goal. Then, have one weekend a month specifically set up to prepare you to meet that goal. Spend the rest of the month trying to make that thing a habit.

There’s no need to read erectile dysfunction into CLIT’s letter. First of all, it’s not as if “too little friction” is an impossible sexual state without him having a limp dick. I’ve never had that complaint about a woman, but I’ve tried brands of lube that were way too slick for my taste, particularly if you’re using…

“This girl comes after two minutes of stimulation, be it manual, oral, or penile. As someone who takes pride in my foreplay/pussy-eating abilities, this is a bummer.”

Also

Welcome to the Men are Terrible Edition of Savage Love.

Help. My girlfriend’s pussy is too wet. I bought a gallon of this lube for no reason now. Is there anyway I can get my girlfriend’s pussy as dry as the Sahara because I like the feeling of fucking sandpaper. 

Let me shorten this for you:

I know right? What kind of terrible person wants to take their head out of the sand and understand the context of their language? Ignorance is bliss!!

Screwed, ripped-off, scammed