I’ve got good news for you: The fact that you and your partner are planning on starting a family and are concerned about safety means you are the type of parents who will never need one of these.

I thought they already had a solution for this:

Exactly. I’m going to share this with my SO, perhaps she can use it to help with her son. Currently he’s asking her ‘can I stay at friend/dad’s/big sister’s/misc relative’s house on a weeknight? (so I don’t have to go to summer camp tomorrow!). This goes on and on. This technique is for when you have a kid that just…

I’m confused. So you go to nude beaches to ogle but pretend to read a book while doing so? And guys just surround you, effectively tea-bagging your upside down book? Do you ever swat the testes away like flies? Do you ever see anything worth all self-induced testicular torture?

I need you as my personal chauffeuse. I’ll bring plenty of tampons and apple juice to see how many cops we can pull this on.

It’s like a dating profile: which one do you think is going to show you a better time?

This is easily fixed. Just don’t wear bras and there will be no straps to worry about. Duh.

Oh come on now, you know it wasn’t consider socially acceptable to be able to ask if Police were targeting Black people until Obama became president. And everyone knows it is Obama’s fault for this ‘racism’ stuff being in the news. Police Chief David Brown is right, we need to go back to asking more thoughful…

Ehh, leave out ‘black on black crime’, it is a little too on the nose. Just insert ‘inner city’ and ‘gang violence’ instead. Oh and where’s the mandatory ‘Make America Great Again’?

I can’t seem to recall a briefcase. Next question?

No shit and caused me further confusion when I was trying to figure out why police officers sharing info on raids to another officer was so bad in this case. Took me a second read to figure out what the hell this was talking about.

So..just how much does a human baby go for nowadays? Asking for a friend.

Well, would you just say yes to any whore in blackface who asked you to the prom? You gotta have some standards.

Hot damn, I love that idea. I would add mud and strips of toilet paper to them for a more ‘authentic’ look.

Your accurate summary leads me to believe you should be a journalist.

Yep, along with “Most Likely to be Assaulted and Arrested by Cop due to the System Racism which sponsored these awards”.

I don’t know. Maybe we just need to summon Carrot top. That way, when his act isn’t funny, he can just beat the shit out of Orange top with his unfunny props and yuge biceps.

“Howdy th’all”. Yep, has a nice ring to it.

Hey, what’s confusing about “y’all” and “yous guys”? Aside from them sounding so sophisticated in use that it may confuse the listener.

“The main singer, Max Power, feels that cancellations of shows early in the tour really upset the fans, but overall the band disagrees. They feel that the tour was a great success.”