Let’s take football games played by teenagers a little more seriously.

Andrew Jackson. Even the corpse of Andrew Jackson would fuck everyone up, and it wouldn’t need to be reanimated either.

There’s next to no chance someone making 30K could possibly scrape together 1500 on short notice without outside assistance, you know that, right?

Come to Philly, I’ll unify my fist with your face, fucker.

Sorry brother. I guess that was the joke that went right over my head. Day drinking, hard as it is to believe, does have a few drawbacks.

It’s New York normal.

You ever been to a bodega? You mind your own business regarding the hundred arguments a night there or else you might catch an avocado in the kisser.

Really? My landlord was psyched when I wanted to break my lease. That way they could increase the rent for the next tenant by more than the 2 or 3 percent allowed by the rent stabilization board. And it probably took them less than a week to find a new tenant for that 7th floor walkup

If shorts are good enough to save someone’s life or lift heavy boxes, they are good enough to attend a powerpoint presentation meeting and say things like touch base, run it up the flag pole and circle back

I don’t get all the hate on Buffalo. While I was visiting I got lost after getting spectacularly intoxicated and someone got shot two blocks from my hotel. It was all very exciting.

Sorry. I shouldn’t comment after eating a pot brownie.

Whit Merrifield, a 28-year-old second baseman who has yet to play a full MLB season. Despite that lack of experience, he’s been one of the team’s top all-around hitters.

And in fact he was a lousy soldier, graduating at the bottom of his Annapolis class (which means flunking calculus and not turning in work, rather than being a rebel), getting wings he almost certainly didn’t qualify for, and dodging a well deserved grounding because he was Navy royalty. Most men don’t get a chance to…

This is way too many words for an article about the Wizards.

Maybe watersports.

If you believe Scaramucci—you shouldn’t—Trump has thrown a perfect spiral through a tire.