I once had to do 50 (yes, 50) split checks on a party of idiot frat guys because their organization card was declined. They complained to me about the amount of time it to took for them to get their credit card slips.

I hope LeBron goes to Boston just to mess with Kyrie.

I’m so high that when I first glanced at the headline I said to myself “Why is the creep chef getting into tennis?”

This picture looks like Incognito is forcing Sir Patrick Stewart to give him a blowjob.

Raw corpse water sounds like something Goop would sell at $110 a pop.

“Big Bang Theory ain’t got SHIT on Big Baller Theory.”

LaVar Ball Calls Heat Death of the Universe “Some Overrated Weak Ass Shit”

“HOLY SHIT HOW DID HE DO THAT?!?!?!”

This is probably the kind of thing Patsy would say about Ivanka.

At first I read “Chlorella” as “cholera”and was still like, oh yeah of course that’s a suggestion. To be fair it’s probably a faster way to cleanse.

Okay, choice time: Her head on Stone Cold Steve Austin’s body or his head on her body?

Luckily Bortles is supported by die hard fans like Jason Mendoza, Pillboi, and the other 58 members of their pop and lock dance crew

“Neener, neener, we’re better at not paying young black men than you!”

Also wanted to point out a little detail that also went unmentioned:

The guy who’s picture is in the first tweet, was born Christopher Sanborn, but changed his name to Mukhande Singh. Seriously, holy fucking shit.

We excel at four things round these here parts: obesity, illiteracy, STDs, and football.

It’s incredibly difficult to look up into the air with a helmet on while running at top speed trying to fight your way through a blocker (read: “impossible”), so coverage guys are taught to maintain their lanes towards the returner. Before the ball is kicked the coverage team usually has an idea on where the punter is…

Yeah. I guess the day will come when the Patriots are shit and I’ll still hate them forever.

Fashion profiling? Wrong. Terribly wrong.

I mean, you’re still gonna die. Happy Tuesday!

Collateral Beauty sounds like one of Jenna Maroney’s hilariously bad side projects on 30 Rock - a cheesy flick would only be shown on eastbound Amtrak trains or something.