Eff all of it. You know how much I gained during my first pregnancy? 52 lbs. Fiftygoddamntwo. My What To Expect book had a heart attack, I swear. Kid is going to be 6 in June. Do I care how much weight I gained with her? No. Does it affect my life in any way now? No. Do I wish I ate more salad? Fuck to the no.

Also, I feel slight pity for Sasha Radetsky that a long and illustrious career as a soloist at ABT and a principal with Dutch National Ballet, and for a generation of us he’ll always be Charlie from Seattle whose girlfriend dumped him for going to study ballet in New York.

We all did, man. We all did.

Just give me the baby and the Steve Buschemi dog and we will all go live happily ever after far the fuck away from these garbage people.

To be fair, has anyone named Crystal ever exceeded our expectations?

FLAME ON.

At 18, I would have been like "FUCK YOU!" and run off crying eating cheetos.

My favorite part might be the very vocal peanut gallery

I won first prize in the 3rd grade "Reflections" arts contest for a really nice pastel sketch I did of my mom's Christmas cactus. Should I....send that ribbon onto Beyonce out of respect for art? Or do I get to keep it?

This needs more stars immediately.

Honestly, Rihanna bossing around Leonardo DiCaprio and finding him subpar is basically every sex dream I have ever had.

I don't want to jump to conclusions, but I'm beginning to think Suge Knight might not be a good person.

As a representative of the "American Heartland" woman, in my forties, I hate to break it to M. Hucks, but we've been smoking, swearing, fucking, and drinking in the flyover states for quite a while now. Wearing pants, voting, showing our ankles, the whole shebang. It's like we think we're people or something.

I mean, this bitch. I wouldn't fuck with her. I LOVE HER.

He was my convocation speaker!

I was SURE that lost cell phone one was going to be the plot of that Broad City where Abbi looses her phone.

No Shade: Lily Pulitzer just might be the Lisa Frank for white women aged 45+.

Remember birthday parties at home, with punch and cake, and pin the tail on the donkey? What happened to that? Don't get me started on goody bags. What a pain in the ass.

But Idris did that on the Wire- am I missing something?