I picture her as a young woman, beautiful, pursued by five young men. Four of them bring her bouquets of roses, each in a different shade, each trying to outdo the other, one lovely afternoon when she was receiving guests in the front parlor. But the fifth, Howard, the one her heart ached for, beautiful, doomed…

“Ma’am, I’ll kindly ask you to stop deflowering yourself underneath the table!”

For some reason, this makes me think of the time I nearly wrecked my car. I was oogling this 6’4”-ish black man who was ALL muscles. He was striding manfully down the street in Cookie Monster pajama bottoms, bunny slippers and a wife beater. I could not tear my eyes away from him.

Six days before my 42nd birthday was not when I needed to read this.

I especially appreciate that you plan to be dating.

Christ, that school must have the most beautiful teens in the world if she's considered ugly. And even then...

Cocktail sauce is really easy! You just pour out ketchup into a mixing bowl, and then yell at it.

maybe there WAS a miracle happening

Talent and drive aside, people called that gorgeous creature *ugly*?
She’s stunning and could easily model all her own designs.

When I’m old I plan to only have a wardrobe of flannel pyjamas. This also includes for dates.

My mother and I were having lunch one day when I told her a story about a terrible old man I had recently worked with. He was mean to everyone. His kids, the staff at the retirement facility, passers by - everyone. I wondered aloud what makes people behave like that toward others.

Uh, yeah, that’s...not how you make cocktail sauce. That’s...why would you think that would produce cocktail sauce?

This isn’t a restaurant story, but you haven’t lived until a 90-year-old woman yells at you for 10 minutes because she’s only getting 10 cents while returning the $2 pair of socks she bought 10 years ago.

“• Whether you are pro-vax or anti-vax, the perpetrators of these crimes will infect your computer.”

See, I look at cranky, demandy, complainy, bitter elderly people,and backtrace it to the cranky, demandy, complainy, bitter young and middle-aged people, only we often dress it up in entertaining sarcasm and snark. But if your entire life consists of angrily ranting about things that frustrate you, you are setting…

TEA EMERGENCIES INCLUDE: Tea exists, and is not currently being consumed by me. Thanks.

And then you retired to the french rivera on the ill gotten gains from your “old shitty VHS tapes for ALL THE MONIES” scam. Jesus, it’s bad enough when you get accused of something at work, but it’s the worst when you get accused of a scam that would net you less than your hourly pay if successfully pulled off.

My favorite regular from my serving days was Mr. Bartle. Never a fuss, tipped well, knew our names and always asked how my college studies were going. When he took a once-in-a-lifetime trip to the Galapagos Islands (in his mid-70s), on his return he came in one afternoon when he knew it would be slow to show us his…

Well, once you read it you will learn you can go into any restaurant and get one! You may have to make your own cocktail sauce though...

I once got fired from a job at a bookstore. It was a second job that I would come to after a day of working with elementary school students (little) who had special needs. I am 6’0 so was constantly bending down to talk to them/transport them. Anyway, while shelving a large amount of books on the bottom two rows I…