My friend Rachel has naturally gray-green eyes and when we were in high school (like, sixteen at the most) she used to mess around with colored contacts - sometimes the bright green ones, sometimes turquoise. She was at an art opening and this super fancy older woman comes up to her and says “I was going to come over…

That sounds incredible!

i miss him too?

Definitely yes. Hope you’re ready for goofy musings about the inner lives of geese and tons of old movie trivia.

My father, whom I love very much, is a total trickster. He regularly emails me about how fashionable his eye searingly ugly summer shorts are, he loses battles with garden pests and is genuinely hilarious.

My dad was amazing and I miss him.

Everyone, just trust me on this: do not google image search pink sock. Don’t.

Rickety hickory dock.

Most hilarious line on Twitter: She’s got diabetic ketoacidosis and the only prescription is more cowbell!!!

The line, “Nothing? You know the dangers of ketoacidosis!” was just given by Will Ferrell and

They should have just called this thing A Deadly Dock. A Dockly Adoption. Dock dock dock

Yes, famous neg! This is the classic neg example PUA’s use on internet forums to take the hottest girls down a peg.

I am so sick of that question! Men and women ask me that and still insist I’m lying.

Huh. I’ve gotten this one too. Which really confused me, because I wear glasses. Because as we all know, everyone loves wearing glasses and contacts simultaneously.

All men seem to think the women in their lives need semi constant unsolicited penis updates. It is the national pass time.

I’ve gotten, “You have a really nice smile. Are your teeth real?” Creeped me the fuck out.

Oooh! I’ve gotten the reverse of this. “You don’t seem like a girl that would be into makeup.” Like, because I’ve read classic literature and have two degrees, I apparently can’t drool over new releases of Too Faced or put effort into eyeshadow with the same fervor as writing.

Lol, a guy did this to me once and I’ve got plain old brown eyes. Definitely not something that someone would pay to have. It was weird and so obviously rehearsed.

Such a nice thing to say to a woman who let you have sex with her, dumbshit.

Uggghhh it's times like those you wish you could magically un-fuck someone!