The moment I meet my very short, balding blind date, he skips the introductions to say this:

“Your English is great. You almost sound totally American. It's nice to hear someone actually try.”

(After pointing out my twin sister) “Wow she’s gorgeous, looks like a model! Of course you’re pretty too, in a unique way.”

“Girls who have been raped are normally fucking crazy; you actually seem really normal and pretty stable.”

“You know, I usually like really skinny, pretty Barbie doll types, but I really like you. You are so real and low maintenance. I like how you don’t put so much into your appearance. You’re so real.” After I had spent 2 hours getting ready for this date...

<bows down>

Oh god. I actually perfected a Stupid Human Trick where I can hunch my shoulders so my collarbones form these sort of bowl depressions, fill them with seeds and taught my parrots to eat out of them. These bitches on Instagram can’t top THAT. LOL

somehow this is unfair because all women are liars obvs and they’ll just lie a lot to get complete strangers in trouble and unleash a tyrannical feminist fury all over the city of New York, which everyone knows is the kickoff to Armageddon, at least, if they’ve read Revelations.

That reminds me of middle school, when people were like “you only have big boobs if you can hold a pencil under them!!!!” I got my boobs early, so I was like “shit bitch give me that pencil CASE and watch this!!”

I’m like a size 10/12 and I have a pretty pronounced clavicle but I’m like, 170 pounds. They were like that when I was close to 200 pounds too though, it’s just my shoulders. Has nothing to do with being skinny. Also I’ve broken the left size twice haha.

The “I’m so fucking thankful I didn’t grow up in an age of ubiquitous technology” challenge.

The other day I noticed a bunch of Oreo crumbs had accumulated in my collarbones while I was eating in bed laying down. Sexy y/n?

Pfft. Only amateurs use quarters. Silver dollars all the way. Bonus points if you can hold a couple of rolls under your boobs while doing the Macarana.

Canoodle.

The hot pink orly perfume nail polish is on these typin’ tips right this very minute.

Put on makeup, but not too much makeup.

Yes! It means “Ew, gross, she can walk in them without breaking anything. Does she even care about my boner?”

it seemed that she was clean and presentable, but extremely old fashioned- honestly? i bet she was just hugely practical. i mean he calls her shoes ‘too practical.’ like is that a t h i n g

I have a really hard time believing someone could have both a successful career in NYC and poor grooming habits. I would say with near-certainty that this was not a basic hygiene issue or something of that sort, and that line of specuation is way too generous to Hellerstein.

“Why not publish a photo of Dylann Roof, the racist shooter of those nine victims? Don’t bury the lede.”