I get fucking “why are you here then??” on internet poker. Because I couldn’t possibly be here to just play poker???? I must be looking to sex?

I used to play an online pool game where you could put a photograph of yourself on your profile. After getting sick of 75% of my opponents trying to get me to talk dirty to them, I changed it to my wedding photo.

...wait where does the Harley guy keep the sign on a stick?

The real irony of Ferrari guy is that the high-status cars in my neck of the woods are Teslas.

Frederick’s of Hollywood would give you a little card you could fill out with all your sizes and preferences, to give to your significant other to aid in lingerie purchasing.

My dad liked anything that was weird and difficult-sounding. His favorite ice cream flavor was pistachio. His favorite music was klezmer music. He owned a theremin. We once spent four hours making tree-related puns because we got stuck behind a landscaper’s truck on our way home from lunch. He convinced his…

Ditto.

Can I borrow him? I’m missing my goofy dad.

Right? I did not know it was a neg until like ... a decade later. I am slowwwwww.

I am pretty literal, and will answer most questions seriously. I even have a hard time with polite noises like “how are you?” because I will actually tell them. So when I answer it, and they’re like “naaahhh those have to be contacts” I’m like “Fucker, why ask me a question if you don’t believe my answer. Go have this…

http://pics.livejournal.com/ultraviolet730…

I didn’t know it was a neg at the time, but several times I got the one where the guy asks if you’re wearing colored contacts. And then insists you are no matter what you say. I have very distinctive eyes, so it didn’t strike me as an odd thing to ask at first. When they keep doing it, though, it’s like wtf do you…

oh my god this is the best.

whaaaaaaaaa

I was able to solve a Rubik’s cube with my feet at one point.

I barely even wear makeup and I’ve been getting Birchbox for like a year. It’s a nice way to try stuff without committing to some $45 product I’ll probably use once.

Yeah, mine are still pretty prominent and I have put on a good 40 lbs since my bikini-bridge thigh-gap belly-button-contortion days.

How about gingersnap crumbs in my cleavage?

For me it was losing my thyroid and gaining like 30 lbs. Not necessarily recommended.

Favorite photo of my dad and his very first car: