Yeeeah, my partner and I don’t sext - we tell each we’ve completed menial household chores that the other one didn’t want to do. After 12 years, it’s as close as we get to orgasm.

Just eat the sandwich after!

I hate to win pissing contest two weeks in a row, but if “I want to fuck you where you fart” isn’t a winner, then I don’t know what is. 

I already mentioned this in the Jeff Bezos dick pic comment thread.

I used to work directly across the street from the building I lived in and at the time my partner and I had somehow gotten into the habit of using ridiculous food euphemisms for sex. One day I was at work and got a message that said “If you come home right now, we can have egg salad sandwiches” so I dipped out of a…

This was a recent one from my wife who was in another room

Back in my dating days, a girlfriend once sent me a text during an argument: “ERROR: Clitoris not found.” It not only made me laugh, but I resolved to be more...generous orally.

I got one a year ago, and it was a link to a porn video accompanied by “thought you’d like this.” I asked why and he replied, “it reminds me of u.” I hadn’t heard from this guy in over 6 months and I haven’t slept with him since 2012.

Seriously, leave her the fuck alone. She isn’t responsible for his actions. She doesn’t owe anyone a damn thing due to the accident of who she was born to. 

Let me send you your first.

without having to imagine his his penis

You know how money supposedly can’t buy happiness?

Worth it! It had to be better than the actual speech and was mercifully brief. He looked like a monstrous and bloated sea-creature that was stranded on the beach.

It was, in short, all a huge waste of everyone’s time, and the shutdown is no closer to being solved than it ever was.

I like children. I just can’t eat a whole one.

It is a bar. There is no reason to have a child in a bar at all, and it’s a gift that this place only limit it at dinner hour or later. Bar patrons (who outnumber Sam) have the right to expect their bar to act like a bar. And I assure you, using the “greater good” method of calculation, society appreciates the rule.…

Sam is also not allowed in after 5pm due to being a giant baby.

This was my exact thought also. A new policy created just after this guy had a baby screams “holy crap we found a way to get rid of this douche”.

Bless you.