So we know Adrian Peterson had a son with one woman, a son who would now be three years old but is deceased after being beaten by another man at the age of two. And he has two four-year-old sons with two other women. So we presume he impregnated three different women, none of whom he was married to, within a span…

makes me long for the good ol' days when NFL players were just dudes stabbin' other dudes.

Beating a woman is not a mistake. Are you familiar with abuse, the women are often too afraid to tell anyone. Also she likely relies on him for financial support which further complicates the situation.

This is the most disturbing instance of "help mom get the groceries out of the trunk".

keep an eye out for a craigs list add for a gold gs300 that has "just received a professional steam clean and detail!"

Wal-Mart! It's the Florida of grocery stores.

I was young and stupid when I posed the question.

I would read a "Samer's Dad's Hot Sports Takes" series

You can see it in his eyes.

If I've learned anything from "E-mail of the week" (and I haven't), it's that tying a sweater/jacket/etc around your waist is the preferred method of disguising a pants-shitting.

I thought that was the crab sexually-assaulting QB?

But that's not what "your" means. I assume Drew has several douche canoes labeled alphabetically A through I(having douche canoes in the double-digits would be excessive,) and the writer was going to tell him about a problem with his "a" douche canoe but the message was cut off. Probably because they still use a…

That's not the full email—the rest is boring stuff about family news—but I did not make it up. My dad has very hot sports takes.

Why Your Contributor Sucks: Chris Fucking Kluwe

It's called frolf you asshole

I loved Chris before, and now I love him even more. Hire this man, Denton! (I'm sure payment in pinto beans or whatever the going rate is for GM writers will suffice for an ex-NFL player!) And wtf at half the commentariat being mouthbreathers missing the point of both the series and Chris' parody. I'm one of the olds…

but we could probably complete a game of jeopardy

I still have no clue what Hasidic Jimmy Fallon is doing here, but I'm glad nonetheless.

Old Guy in Bar: Man, that little black girl is something.
Other Guy in Bar: My God, Matheny could use a girl like that, am I right?
Guy Wearing Rams Hat: Right? I mean, check out the arm she's packing! And that motion, as she rears back and fires—
Police Officer: [Wheels; shoots TV five times; removes nametag]