"It is my belief, Watson, founded upon my experience, that the lowest and vilest alleys in London do not present a more dreadful record of sin than does the smiling and beautiful countryside."

Also this gem:

Sorry an Academy Award winner didn't want to take a photo with a stranger that would inevitably be tweeted as a publicity magnet for your B-List reality show, Kenya.

I am 100% for calling Lena out on the racist and classist shit in Girls but this is just weirdly bitter, especially considering that Lena's success should be something that Jezebel celebrates— as of this fall, female directors still only make up 13% of all directors of prime time tv shows. Dunham's show is flawed, but…

You know those people who - on the 1st of February - post "What Superbowl?", along with a picture of like, an outdoor cafe and a novel or somesuch horseshit?

That's you.

If you don't want to watch Girls, don't. Nobody cares. You're literally writing about a non-event.

Tonight's surprise: Steve Carrell is getting hotter by the minute.

My best friend's dad was very nice looking, and he was big into physical fitness so he was pretty buff. I hung out with my friend, who I moved to another state, and her dad one evening when I was just about to turn 30, and he hit on me. It was a moment that was either awesome or terribly disturbing (dude's known me…

Well, yes, in these senses:

I have a penis shaped bottle opener in my home, and the last time my mother was visiting, she picked it up, looked at it, and said, "This man must be abusing steroids. Look at how small the testicles are in comparison to his penis! He should get that checked out."

You kids are easily impressed.

The usual trick for male underwear models is to use wonder bread. I am not kidding. Its soft and easy to form into a pouch. I first learned this trick as a wardrobe assistant on a photo shoot for the homepage models on the MANHUNT website. Objects in underwear are sometimes smaller than they appear.

Looks like his "skirt is partially unzipped at the top."

I don't regret it because he was a nice guy and had his own apartment, so it was convenient. I was 19, ready to get it over with, and terribly impressed that he lived by himself (he owned a HOT PLATE!) I do regret, however, that we were watching Joe Vs. The Volcano and that is the visual I always associate with…

I lost my virginity to my dad's best friend. I was 15 and he was 32. It was consensual insofar as something like that can be consensual. For a really long time I was so ashamed and grossed out that I actually used to lie and say my second was my first (and my second occurred in an El Camino in the continuation high…

My first time was to a guy who was horribly bad at it. Jack rabbit sex and his disgusting penis curved down when erect. He was a horrible dancer and I never complained about either. I was young, but I knew I was missing so much. We dated a few months, i always ran into him with other women after that and I only felt…

I'm gonna go out on a limb and say you're being facetious here. But if you aren't, I'd like to provide you with a few netiquette tips on internet commentary. If that's alright. I understand if you just want to skip this though with a "GTFO." xD

I greatly enjoyed this, but that's not what "availed" means.

Living in Maryland, I think there are many more Ed L.'s out there than anyone wishes to admit. And I will neither confirm nor deny that I'm one of them.

It's fun when they defeat their own argument because they don't understand what words mean.