“Your punishment is to go to the store and get me some doritos. And cheesies. And those...whaddycallem...fuzzy peaches. Yeah.”

My mother became a Born Again Christian during my late middle school/early high school days. She was extremely passionate about her new beliefs and I was deep in the throes of teen angst and ran around with kids from a very liberal crowd (I grew up in a very small midwest town - thank goodness for their influence).…

The first time my first serious boyfriend met my parents, at some point it was mentioned that he was Catholic. My mom took this as an opportunity to LOUDLY start singing “Every Sperm is Sacred” from Monty Python and the Meaning of Life. In retrospect, I find this hilarious (and am very impressed at how much of the…

I was seventeen and a senior in high school. The way it worked at my school was that we had prom and then we were off for about a month before graduation. It was during this period that my friends and I decided to buy/try weed for the first time. I’m naturally high strung so the whole process was such a debacle that I…

I won’t post the more horrifying stories for examples of me cutting ties but something light instead. My mother is a hippy/new age type and will try anything. We were at my brother’s basketball game and she leaned over and asked if she smelled like pee (which she did). Apparently she thought it’d be a good idea to…

When I was 3 years old, I accidentally murdered my pet goldfish. My mom came into the living room after having one of those “it’s been too quiet for too long” realizations, and found that both I and the goldfish we had procured that morning were missing. She found me a few minutes later, giving the goldfish a tour of…

Um yep I was home for a visit last summer, and went into my mom’s dresser to borrow a pair of socks.

When I was going to be a freshman in college my mom randomly told the Best Buy sales associate (male, naturally) we were buying a computer from that I would be starting college as a virgin. “How often do you see that?” she asked. Probably never mom, or more specifically...no one else in the history of ever has thought…

Orrrrrr, you could use your teeny, tiny brain and try using the context to understand the unfamiliar words! Sometimes, a word like “recycle” has more than one meaning! But if you think about it for .3 seconds, you might, perhaps, MAYBE come up with the correct definition for this particular usage!

Pinkham’s Law - every fucking time.

Newsflash, people trying to achieve the Apogee of Chillness by uttering this ultra-relaxed statement. Guys? Weddings are really big, fun parties.

I didn’t get to have a wedding because my parents didn’t like him, his parents didn’t like me and I was pregnant. Now we’re 8.5 years in, we have a great kid, parents have chilled out and we actually kind of all love each other now, and I really want to have a big 10 year anniversary party with fancy dresses and a lot…

He has no idea what it’s like to be a fembot living in a manbot manputer’s world!

Oh geebus- my cousin claimed to have lost 50 pounds on the cabbage soup diet and was just making everyone rage face until her sister said “#1 you lost 10 pounds. #2 you spent so much time in the bathroom your husband was worried that you were sneaking out the window for an affair. #3 You were a raging bitch the entire…

That is in my top 5 when it comes to favorite Futurama episodes. I guess that affirms my status as a man-hating feminist who’s only bitter because she doesn’t get laid.

How are women going to know if they’re marrying into a good family if they start switching names back and forth every generation or so?

Having said that, you’ll never know the glee my father and I got when we were able to break it to our snobby, uptight relatives that we knew our surname came from our great great…

I knew there was something with the feminine/masculine terms, but in (US) writing, I’ve seen authors use blond interchangeably, and I know there’s that stupid thing that male gendered words can be interchangeable but that’s just stupid, blonde looks better.

Constanti-NOPE-le

Exactly- she’s just reciting existing law. So it’s really not big news, other than that it would be nice to have elected officials promoting science, reason, and sound public health policy. Instead of being all “woo-woo, aborted babies, toxins, choice freedom woo-woo.”

“esoteric immunizations”? Is that when they inject you with tellurium so you’re immunized against vampires?