Classless.

Miley Cyrus...naked...with a pig.

I was just thinking, “What book do I want Dame Helen Mirren to read to me for her Grammy?”

You guyssss, I finally got a doggie! Went to the shelter on Monday, she was ready on Thursday. We’re getting along great, she likes the kids and she’s the sweetest thing. Meet Amy:

I don’t have access to mine right now, but I do have a story!!!

Also:

People who get irrationally upset over baby photos freak me out. It is the MOST INNOCUOUS SHIT EVER. No weirder than anything else friends post.

Please provide the statute that gives a 13 year old legal protection from her parents cutting her hair.

Nope. Best practices for suicide reporting recommend not using “committed,” which sounds like a crime or, to religious communities, like a sin, and “kill yourself” is just insensitive, crude, and poorly phrased. “Died by suicide” is the phrasing recommended by mental health professionals and the American Foundation…

A lot of people are happy to let kids suffer using the argument that it’s the parent’s problem and not theirs, as if kids are property instead of people.

I don’t know what this says about me, but if someone found 13 empty cans of Reddi-Whip in my car it would be because I just devoured 13 cans worth of fake whipped cream. Why use them to get high when they’re filled with delicious whipped cream?

I think Mallory and Nicole would take it as a compliment.

Mallory Ortberg is the shit. If she thinks dude should be gone, I’m glad dude is gone. End of story.

I wish it was cologne that exploded in my car. My brother took our car to work at a German festival for a weekend and had to help with the catering, both delivering and serving the food.

This might fit, but...

3 years ago I went to Mexico and smartly packed pepto before a week of boozing and eating questionable meats. When you get to the Mexican TSA upon landing, they make you press a button to see whether or not your bagage will get checked. Green is good. Red is bad. I got red. The Mexican TSA agents opened my suitcase to…

I started smoking in high school. Yeah, take that adults. Anyway, by using my seventeen year old brain, I assumed that a couple quick sprays of cologne would eliminate any trace of the 2 or 3 Camels I had on the drive to school, girlfriend’s house, returning to my house, etc... So the smart thing to do is always have…

My story:

My birthday is a few days before Christmas, and Barbie came out the year I was four. My father was sick that year and in and out of the hospital, and my mom was working nights in a restaurant to support us.