I can’t tell if “tourist class” is the funniest or most offensive thing I’ve ever heard.

“I’m from the night.”

FAT LOT OF FUCKING GOOD THAT DOES ME AND ALL THESE FUCKING PHEASANT EGGS MARTHA

I asked Siri to beatbox and she replied “Okay, playing Journey” and started playing my music. Is she being shady, or is it cause I have an iPhone 4?

this is why i always laugh the hardest at my own jokes, to show my strength and dominance.

One time me and my roommate (she’s a little bigger than me, but we are both not super skinny generic thin people by far) were pretty stoned and went to CVS to get snacks so we could get more stoned and watch Adventure Time in the privacy of our apartment. I had just went through a breakup and was wearing the same…

A subdued, reserved, bikini? That is a rare breed at best, in any size.

Sometimes I want to call people I love “dummy” but I resist that urge.

True. Plus Dennis Duffy was the best worst. Ever.

I love manatees. There are a bunch in the marina by our boat and they love to come up when we are hosing down the deck to try to convince us to turn over our hose to them. It breaks my heart to see all the propeller scars on their backs. They are sweet, gentle, and curious. I hate to think a lobbying group may keep…

You mean like an arm or a leg right?

Not like:
Q: How did you break three pens in one day?
A: At an orgy

It might take too long to explain to her what ‘ no one is watching’ means.

I read “gay wolves” and was VERY confused for the rest of that comment.

Sorry, but if you willingly go on a date with someone with a high profile and then sell that story to the press - it’s you that’s the asshole in the situation.

It’s entirely possible that I’m reaching since I can no longer rely on Shade Court to guide me in all things snarky and twenty-something, but...did Chrissy just make a 1940s Loony-Toons-style can’t see black guys in the dark joke? Or are we leaning more towards a look what my preggo brain hath wrought gag?

Yeah, the being afraid of being alone thing seems to be a HUGE factor. I would be sad if my marriage ended for some reason, but I don’t think I’d be in a huge rush to replace it. I really enjoyed being single. Love my husband to bits but we’d be lying liars who lie if either one of us said there weren’t times we miss…

What’s the saying? Everyone encounters some assholes along the way, but if everyone you meet is an asshole, maybe you’re the asshole.

In the near-ish future I will be out of my marriage. I will never have another romantic relationship, ever, again. The thought of it makes me ill. I have terrible taste in mates, I realize this is a short coming of mine and have, thankfully, come to terms with my short comings in this (and other) regards. I am really…

My first marriage ended after my spouse indicated he couldn’t handle another episode of my cancer... and I saw the truth in that statement, and all kinds of other truths.