I don’t want to enable a criminal but your can usually find someone who’s willing to take a breathalyzer for you, especially for money. If you read this, Michael Floyd, it’s in Craigslist. Search “Blow Jobs.”

Ballparking it here. 220lb man drinks .5% abv teas until 3am, blows a .055 at 5:30am. Expected BAC of .08 at 3am. At .5% abv, and assuming he drank them over course of say 3 hours, that’s 48 twelve ounce bottles of Kombucha tea.

If you do a Ctrl+F for “bindle” in the comments of a Jim Tomsula post and don’t come up with anything, we’ve all let eachother down.

More of Jim Tomsula as Rodney Dangerfield:

Kenny Lofton is still playing.

There’s hope in a world where Michael Scott can provide the inspiration for Lebron James to own Draymond Green on the internet.

Clearly you don’t root for the Cubs

let’s take a pole: how many people think its unfair that they are having to pay for it twice?

A gold star to any team that does Who, What, I don’t know, Why, Because, Tomorrow, Today, and I Don’t Care.

Counterpoint:

I want all the players on one team to use each other’s names on their jersey just to confuse players and announcers.

August 25-27, “Players Weekend,”

the ideal outcome is that they both get knocked out.

Earnest comments like these ruin my appreciation of this satirical series based on a pretend NFL franchise.

He thinks he is saying, “I don’t care” on the outside when really what he is saying is, “I care” on the inside.

Sure, but we’re talking about a guy with a double standard when it comes to funny stuff. When it’s time for HIM to be serious and angry and INTENSE, you’d better not be joking around.

Eli’s Highlights for Kids shoes were a distraction as well. He didn’t know he wasn’t supposed to actually circle the differences in the pictures and went through 9 of Ben McAdoo’s pencils.

He doth protest to much, methinks. OBJ’s worst enemy isn’t TMZ, it isn’t the refs, and it certainly isn’t Josh Norman. It’s OBJ.

You’re right, abortion is a little trickier... And I actually have a very complicated relationship with the concept of abortion, so sure I guess throw a big ole’ asterisk next to that one. And it should go without saying that any militant-anything is probably not a reasonable person.

My sister is single and she says no Trump supporters in her Tinder profile. Not because she wouldn’t date a Republican, but because it’s the easiest way to stave off guys who live in the suburbs.