If the lone wolf attackers organized into jurisdictional forces, were tasked by the government to protect and serve the population within that jurisdiction, were paid salaries with our tax dollars, formed incredibly powerful unions, went back in time to establish decades of oppression-based tactics, then came back to…

Fortunately, most Clevelanders will tolerate a Coleman that doesn’t close right.

During a sporting event, you are only allowed to take a knee while praying to White American Jesus™ or running out the clock. No other knee related movements are okay.

“But I can still chow on another fan’s ass just after kickoff?”

“Plus, I won more games without it than did with it in.’’

“HE LOOKED MOWA LIKE ‘STATEN ISLAND’ CUZ HE WAS GAHBAGE!”

Genuinely not sure if that was a real Incognito quote.

Wow, a nuanced and well reasoned take on ESPN. Maybe they’r—

It’s not their fault, there wasn't enough seating in the bus after the Coaches Ryan had the pizza oven and popcorn machine installed.

If you’re the type of person who plays Bucs vs. Broncos in Philadelphia, maybe the game isn’t the only thing with a glitch.

If I ever get rich enough, it’d have to be rich enough to name two stadiums in the same city, and I’d reverse them. Like now the Phillies play in Lincoln Financial Field, and the Eagles play in Citizens Bank Park.

A medal rack, Katie? Bryce doesn’t even own A medal, let alone many medals that would necessitate an entire rack. What is Bryce gonna do with a medal rack?

Usually, it involves pushing an old person in a wheelchair into the deep end. It’s an acquired taste.

Philadelphia’s collective attitude problem extends well beyond parking. Of the dozen times a year I’d find myself catching a connecting flight through Philadelphia in the early 2000's, about 50% of the time I’d have something stolen from a bag.

What NBC wants you to think Rio is like...

Russell Wilson: Now here are some people who know how to do research.

“She came to the London Olympics when she was fifteen years old. She left an Olympic champion. As she arrives in Rio, Katie Ledecky is considered one of the most dominant swimmers in the world.”

There’s a level on which my favorite part of this is the official press release containing the sentence “We are not screwing around, Philly.”