Always, always eat the sides first. Start with the shit that you have to eat (fucking limp-ass broccoli) to get it out of the way, and then REVEL in the main at the end.

Really???

Expert level.

I might start doing this, but for practical stuff like toilet paper. If I tweet my next dump will I get a lifetime of Charmin?

Pictured: Derek Jeter fantasy meal.

Banner Image is just a circle of nuggets eagerly about to eat each other’s asses.

I drink after my wife and kids are in bed at least twice a week. Like tonight... I’ve got The Americans taped. My wife doesn’t watch. When she goes to bed, I’m settling in with 2 10% abv Abt 12s that are chilling in my fridge, and watching a show that will hopefully feature Keri Russell’s sublime naked ass.

30-45 minutes of driving is a big yes. 30-45 minutes, where 25-38 minutes is spent inching along one six mile stretch of highway in bumper to bumper traffic is hell.

Drinking alone is sooooo good. I can go out and be social at the bars with my single friends, but after a while I just start thinking about the “free” beer in my fridge and how I could be drinking it without having to wear pants or listen to people talk.

If you rearrange the letters and leave out a lot of them and add an extra W, it says “I played for Washington in game two.”

• “Can we smoke in here?”

Report: Jay Cutler’s New Job May Involve Apathetically Watching Football Games

Hold on. Can we take a minute to talk about how fucking fantastic the name Pumpsie Green is?

They shouldn’t. Bowl games outside of the playoff are meaningless and players should be watching out for themselves because their schools sure don’t. I mean realistically there are only about what 20-25 guys a year this will have an affect on?

I’m very liberal and I cancelled my cable subscription because it’s mostly worthless with streaming services. I also stopped watching ESPN except for live sports because I’ve got way better shit to do than hearing morons argue about if Sam Bradford is a great QB.

This liberal bias is exactly why I canceled my subscription to Deadspin. I just read all the words in the articles and comment sometimes.

This is a good problem to have.

I usually see the youngns (full disclosure: I’m 29) wearing the same uniform, but with Sperrys instead of New Balances (full disclosure: I hate people who wear Sperrys).

If you’re so firmly conservative that your mind goes immediately to “ESPN’s liberal agenda is killing them!”, you are likely a strong supporter of Fox News. If you have Fox News, you have cable. And if you have cable...you’re paying ESPN like $80 a year even if you never touch the channel.

This is the worst Bridge-water collapse in Minnesota in 10 years.