there are no male animals or bugs who want to eat them? Really? Reaaaally?

So, The Hairpin already did something like that. And Idk if I could do that. I mean, I don't like to wash my hair and I frequently avoid it out of laziness. But when push comes to odor, I shampoo the shit out of my hair. But here is a link. Enjoy it, you dirty hippy.

Actually, these xenoestrogens barely disrupt if they even disrupt at all, which some scientist don't even think they do. There has been no scientific study proving a link between parabens and cancer. Their potency is even less than the birth control pill.

Nope. Just science. All of those things are science.

But see, I didn't just trust the FDA, I verified it by checking out the studies they referenced and talking to a dermatologist, which is way better than trusting some sketchy site that assigns arbitrary "hazard" ratings to products that haven't actually been shown to be hazardous.

The relief from the pain is the upside. And yeah, the smell. But the pain!

Yeah, in real life I just grimaced and walked away. But in the article, I called her a mean name. BUT SOMEONE EDITED IT OUT. Apparently, Millihelen is not my platform to passive aggressively name call people who are mean to me at preschool pick up.

When I talked to the dermatologist, he was all, "Someone is going to have their eye eaten away by bacteria if people don't stop villifying parabens." That make up site looks like a one way ticket to eye-eating bacteria. I'm kind of excited now.

Here is the link. The directions say to put it on the affected area and then cover it up, which I do overnight with a band-aid (so sexy, my husband is a lucky man). But during the day, I just goop it on. It really takes away that awful pressure-pain and makes them less red. Like in a few hours. Also, it's goopy, so…

I was being a dumb person. Sulfates sound like a great topic to tackle next. I'll email Jane and get it sorted. Hang tight, you sulfate-covered masses.

I'm always the voice of reason. Unless the subject is chicken nuggets. (yes!) or pants (shut up, no!).

So, wait, you guys DON'T want a sulfates article?

Unless the product is refrigerated or has a shelf-life of five days, everything has a preservative. The dermatologist I spoke to for this story said that basically, if it lives on a shelf it has a preservative. Otherwise it would grow bacteria and you would lose your eyeballs. I'm paraphrasing.

Okay, but in my journey with this crappy post baby zit-level orange, I discovered Prid's Drawing Salve. I don't even care if it's a placebo. It's magic on cyst zits. MAGIC.

I LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE IT!

I have this fight every year with my mom who insists that "certain" (e.g. old or overweight) women shouldn't let "everything" hang out. And I say, "WHY NOT?" It's their everything after all. If they are happy let it hang, let it swing, let it free. Be nude. Wear a swim burqa. Just be comfortable. What you put on your…

This seems like a thing worth investigating for, "What's Up With...?"

Eh. I gained more weight with my first due to sonic hamburgers and strawberry limeaids. I wish I could blame it on mouse babies.

You aren't the only one overthinking this. I've come across other stories of women doing this with other objects. Don't worry, I'm on the case!

You will now always vomit when you eat grapes. My work here is done.