I doubt it’ll be like this once the main threat is over. “Social distancing” is to protect the healthcare system from being overwhelmed. When enough people have herd immunity to the virus, it won’t be able to run out of control anymore. A better president, restocked medical supplies, and an actual pandemic response…

can we just agree that all lettuce is doomed?

This kind of guidance does not belong on Lifehacker. You people are supposed to be evidence based. “Humble lettuce just can’t be trusted” is NOT a lifehack. 

Cutting out large swaths of food groups usually causes weight loss, yup. If you’re severely restricted, how fat can you get, really?

I lost around 40lbs by just not eating so much. It doesn’t matter in the least what you eat as long as it is reasonably nutritious and if you want to lose weight you do less of it. Exercise also helps if you have the time and a good multivitamin helps for the vitamins you left out. Diet fads are worthless. All of them.

Take that Twinkie example. By switching “definitively” to keto/paleo, you’ve introduced a rigid diet structure to avoid ever having to assess if eating a Twinkie once in a while would be acceptable for your health. That approach is working for you, and well done on your desired weight loss.