I hope he’s OK. Not the least because if he is, he’s now the mayor of Buffalo pursuant to their municipal code. 

November 2, 2016: Cubs win World Series, upsetting the delicate equilibrium of the universe, opening up a portal to the Upside Down - a world that looks just like our own, but contains homicidal monsters and everything is covered in a layer of viscous slime.

As the resident Cardinals fan at this Chicago office, I made bacon and pancakes for everyone this morning on the office griddle. I figured after the Cardinals spent all weekend fucking the Cubs, I should at least cook them breakfast.

Because Child Protective Services. 

If Hester could kick field goals he’d probably still be with the team.

The Bears were quite the team when they relied on Hester and the defense to score 75% of their points.  

Really, you just need to look at his background to see where this stuff comes from:

His finishing move is “The Safe Space” in which he runs his opponent over from inside his Prius.

Okay, but people pay $300K for memberships to his golf course. If I invite you over to my house for Christmas and take a dump on the rug, sure it’s technically still my call, but I’m also a huge dick for doing so.

Can we just play through this Presidency?

“I wanted to give him a chance. He seemed like a real winner, but this has gone too far.” - At least one of my uncles.

He’s under contract for the 2018-17 season and has a team option for the 2018-19 season.

The Kevin Everett news blooper...was right here (taps your chest)... the entire time

I heard that he also dated Lennay Kekua before Manti Te’o did. 

See?! This is what happens when you try to give everyone a participation trophy!

This is precisely why I elected *not* to compete in the Rio Olympics.

Red should be immediately relabeled “Urine big trouble mister”. They pissed that opportunity away.

Yoenis Cespedes.. the first major leaguer to enter Concussion Protocol from his own jewelry.

The Lakers decided to win a few games in the hopes of increasing the odds of losing their pick, and thus reducing the odds of having to fucking deal with Lavar Ball for the next 5 years.