They can't own any fewer!

I specifically asked for a minyan. Now how am I going to properly mourn my dead bubbeleh?

The Utility Muffin Research Kitchen hasn't been as active since Frank Zappa died.

ABC Family news update: "I’m not Steve Bannon. I’m not trying to soak my own clock."

Remember kids, there's only 5 months left before the lights go out on Broadway and we all have to move to Miami. And then we all have to move back because of sea level rise.

And at the end of every episode, in a tribute to Andy Rooney, David Sedaris comes on and reads an essay about how popsicles are too sweet these days.

I'm proud to release my latest film in breathtaking 1D:

Are you sure? Where is your cock right now? Is there any chance it is in your mouth?

China's gonna grab 'em by the Pusan.

He said "Mazel Tov."

Also the game was 7 years long and the players' uniforms are so drab.

You only answered half of his questions.

*ukelele sting*

Next stop: the Flophouse Podcast!

My only regret is that we have Scaramucci. *dies*

I was at a film festival screening with the director of "Two Lovers," and in the post-film Q&A, an audience member offered that up as a sincere compliment. (Actually, I think she went with the advanced variant of "the film seems like a love letter to New York City…") The director looked flummoxed, said something to…

She can be in love with the urn his ashes are in. That wouldn't be out of character for David Lynch.

Now I can see why Eric Clapton wanted to steal her away from George…

It's not the real Paul that discovered it. The real Paul died in a tragic accident involving a hyperbolic parabaloid.