Pancake makeup and grease 

Heavy metal poisoning. He’s old and has a poor diet; he’s full of metals and polychlorinated biphenyls. The chemical hazard suggests alkaline hydrolysis and treatment of the effluent at a wastewater facility, the way we’d dispose of the carcass of a mad dog.

stale cheetos and chlamydia

Some people might argue that her death was justified—Burmese pythons are an invasive species in Florida, and tend to eat all the native animals and their food.

I think Prince Albert would have left social media to the unwashed peasants.

Even worse, the python was only caught because of an oblivious sex partner. According to the Washington Post, researchers in the Everglades have been attaching radio transmitters to male pythons, who then lead the researchers to breeding females. Hence, this particular python’s demise.

I don’t feel bad for the snake at all. Not because I’m afraid of snakes, I’m not. I think snakes are cool, but because

That’s ok, I'll do it for you. 

Like when bullfighters get gored. Beautiful.

He was about to spell it “superseed” but stopped because it sounded vegetable-y and vegetables are for liberals.

Internal monologue: There’s the teleprompter, wall speech, read some more and they’ll cheer for me, wall speech, woah look at the titties on that one, I think there was something about doors, where’s the teleprompter, big like Marla’s were, c’mon keep talking, nearly there and they’ll cheer, OK found the teleprompter…

College? Aren't you generous.

To me the Electrical Workers tweet really illustrates how frantic and nutty he’s become, his mind jumping all over the place in an increasing panic. The scuttlebutt is that Biden was on TV at that time and said something about electricians. Donald’s reflex was to immediately fire back, yelling at the TV through a…

I was an EMT for 5 years.... Very rare occasions did I see as much blood as in most of those photographs. It’s horrendous, and the report’s details about the rape culture in prisons is horrifying. Truly shocking tbh, and it just leaves a sour taste in your mouth after you realize how much we joke about prison rape in…

It’s called Lanai Cat Sanctuary. Their Instagram account is a must-follow.

YESSSS!  Would you like to be on my planning committee?

Yes! I love them! 

Oh totally. And/or they DID reboot Sabrina and she had nothing to do with it.

Is this where we shamelessly post pictures of our cats? Chili knows her name, and will look disaprovingly when called. Cornbread is still a youngin’ and hasn’t caught on yet. (Neither is aware of exactly how dumb I am for giving them such ridiculously delightful names.)